This blog post was written solely by me. No Chatgpt was used for the writing of this. Though maybe it should have been. LOL!
It’s difficult to know where to start, but I hope that I can get my thoughts down on paper.
It seems to be much harder now than previously. My fingers used to fly across the keyboard with urgency (anxiety) and every word had to be taken down. I don’t know how my brain and body did it but it did. The good, the bad, and the ugly all taken down in detail. But that was/is my life and I don’t regret it. I just hope to be better today than I was yesterday and without overwhelming expectation.
Loosing the Need for Support Tools?
Prior to being diagnosed I needed just about every support tool I could get my hands on it seems. The older I got the more help I needed. From Focusmate to my favourite ADHD Music to help me focus on any task at hand, to my reminders, iCal and Alarms app on my iPhone and TODY App to help me keep my cleaning routines in order. I haven’t been using them as much as I have in the past and it feels strange. I’m not sure why I haven’t been using them but they sit with bright red notifications shining out at me and I’m OK to let them stay there.
I don’t feel as much of a need to vent my overwhelming frustrations to random people online any more or be at their complete and utter defence. I’m OK with sorting things out in my head that relate to me and giving them space and time to sort things out for themselves. But I remain empathetic.
I Still Feel the Anxiety
Since taking the medication I still feel anxiety. Until yesterday, when I felt it I couldn’t tell but a long sighing sound would leave my body and I knew instinctively that it was a release of the anxiety I had been experiencing only not feeling. It was and is Wonderful! In those moments when anxiety reaches my mind and I ponder on it I am able to work through my thoughts and it drifts away. This is a new experience for me and one I am very happy with.
But Things Are Not 100% Rosie
As the moon and planets and my body would have it my cycle would have rolled around tomorrow would I not be in surgical menopause. My body is feeling certain things now that I can only explain as anxiety though my mind doesn’t feel completely anxious (I do have a few rolling thoughts but they are manageable - that’s how I showed up here.)
My throat tells of the anxiety. It squeezes tight and it’s telling my brain that I can’t breathe, that I “might be having an allergic reaction” and I start to worry. I can now reason with myself, talk reassurance to myself and give myself the kindness it’s needed for so long. I put lavender oil on my neck in hopes that it subsides soon. Maybe CBT or DBT can help with this, I don’t know yet.
I do know that, if I feel this crumby medicated that it must have been gargantuanly worse when I was not.
Thanks Mum.
It makes me think of my mother and how hard it must have been for her. Stuck in a generational time and place that didn’t allow for discussions for anything mental health or hormonal related.
At the time of her passing there was little to no research on hormones and ADHD. Now there is. Had there been medical research or practitioners in my mother’s area to investigate her symptoms further I feel certain that she would have been diagnosed as well. Life just didn’t happen that way for her. So, I’m working on ways to participate in research so that I can help improve other’s lives.
In learning about my own diagnosis I have gained much more compassion for her as a woman and as a daughter. As a fellow ADHD’er I’m astounded at the magnitude of what she was able to accomplish in the time and space she lived.
In what ways have you become involved in participating in research? I’d love to hear from you so that I might participate as well.
Love,
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