I'm in that space of feeling fear and the anxiety of inaction. It's a feeling I loathe, but one that comes all too often.
I hedge at the idea of just about everything and then the overwhelming want to do all the great and wonderful things I'm feeling that I want to do.
If only I could bottle that white lightening feeling of, I'm going to Do that Fucking Thing! Do it all! But I remain paralysed. The thoughts only come now, not the actions like they used to do.
What's got me feeling this way, you might ask? It's waves of grief now along with waves of anger that enter change like digital signals flowing through the internet. One minute one direction another minutes the other direction. I went back to work two months ago, pleasantly surprised I got a job after being out of work for long, caring for other family member and recovering from major surgery last year.
When interviewed I was sold on how good the company was and how much they were there for "team", to "help" people and how much they were there for the community. I had been out of work so long in the corporate arena, I'm almost ashamed to admit that I bought into the "shiny" part of the story.
In two weeks, my intuition yelled at me, I already knew it was time to go. There was heartbreak. Not just for me but for the possibilities. Anyone who knows of anyone with ADHD will tell you we see the possibilities. We see it and feel it as if it were our own mother's love that is standing before us. I can do SO much if I just stay with it.
And then the too good mother arrives, only this time. I didn't buy in. I didn't allow myself to go down yet another rung of the potential self-loathing path - if only I would work harder do more and make everyone else's life easier while I struggled to the point of mental injury. Maybe then they would allow me to be myself at work, see the error of their ways and be more supportive. With the plumes of toxicity, I knew that was never going to happen and it was time to move on.
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