Disclaimer: I hadn't expected this post to show up today. But she did. I just let the words flow. I'm exhausted on a multifaceted level. But writing is important to me. Good, bad or otherwise. So I won't make any promises that this will be my best work. Apologies.
My sleep is picked up like woman in a white business suit and hoisted over the shoulder of her latest rom-com co-actor and carried out to the busy streets of Manhattan only to be left there at the corner of Central Park - Columbus Circle. That's all well and good but you thought you were going to Duke Ellington Circle smoky, breathy, saxophone tunes that make your hair stand on end with the sensational symphony of sound but instead you get a complicated conglomerate of bustling thoughts, rapidly hustling as performers ( your thoughts) do their best to keep you engaged and pay the "fee" for the stunts they are performing.
"HEY! Over here! Look at me! I'm solving your son's issues!" Truth be told, my son has no idea there's an issue, it's only my brain that made one up and now, at 2:37am decided I need to solve it. I'm the only on that can solve it and I'd better be fast about it so that "the kid" doesn't suffer.
Whoa! Check this out! You've GOT to get over here and SAVE THIS PERSON'S LIFE!!! My mind my brain screams and should. It makes plans for things that "might happen" Medical issues, How I'l resuscitate family member or friend.
Ohhhh TOO BAD!! Or it shames me on my behaviour from yesterday or 15 years ago, just picks the incident at random. It gets a lot sometimes.
I'm not sure if this is ruminating, catastrophising or intrusive thoughts but even in my best days it can lead me to extremely difficult times.
Last week was one of those weeks. I needed peace. My family could see it so they ventured off and let me have a staycation at home, completely alone.
It was bliss in a sense. I was left alone with no agenda, not really and the performers in my mind we set on the sidelines. They would have to wait until I was able to cope.
I don't know why I can't do this anytime I think was just too exhausted. Running on 4 to 6 hours of sleep a night can get to be a lot.
I've now got vertigo, I had my first incident about 7 years ago. It took me totally by surprise. Anxious after a lovers spat, I tried to get on with my business, I laid my head down at a beauty appointment and suddenly felt nauseous and overwhelmed but more than any thing confused. It was horrible.
Rock on to this week and I've had vertigo so intensely that I'm starting to get fearful of standing up. It's rubbish. I'm fearful of standing, that it will be here a long time and I'm strongly considering an appointment with my GP to get my ears checked.
On the horizon looms my ADHD assessment (is that the right word) and I feel terrified. I feel like an imposter, someone trying to jump on the "band wagon", someone making excuses for their shitty behaviour, someone not wanting to get "better". But the mother in me, the mother I have created for myself is reassuring, kind, supportive, she encourages me that none of this is the case. She confident in the information she's been given and sees and she has decided that we will wait and see what the doctor has to say and then we will make our own decisions based on that. There's no rush to dismiss or accept what he say there's, no pressure at all. Just kindness. "Be kind to yourself" she says. "Hold and love yourself, one second at a time, we will get through this together."
And so it is the way we will continue.
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