I mentioned in a previous post It Doesn’t Always Feel Like Roses today was one of those days.
I work daily not to be bitter and angry. The work is endless and exhausting. It is not that I am not thankful for the millions of opportunities that have faced me over the years to learn to sit in my anger, frustration, pain and sadness. It’s that somedays I get tired.
Today I will not be tired. I will stand in my strength, process and love who I am in these moments with trauma comes knocking and childhood fears and moments abruptly show up in my scared space
Seven years ago today my mother made her peace with the Universe and surrendered to the bigger picture. They say things run in cycles of seven years. The seven year cycle may have become complete. I’m not sure.
Through this time one was left behind to bring the trauma to the forefront and tried to repeat the behaviour.
If Mother taught me anything it was to be respectful. However, too respectful to others that did not deserve my respect.
Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash
It has taken me giving myself permission to say “No.” No more. I will not accept that behaviour from you and I will respect myself more than I will ever respect anyone because no one deserve my respect more than I do.
Dealing with childhood trauma is not an easy journey. It requires a lot of hard work and self-reflection. For me, this meant seeking professional help for the last 20 years. It also meant confronting my past and acknowledging the pain that I had experienced. It was not easy, but it was necessary.
On the seventh anniversary of my mother’s passing the family farm, promised to many but always denied, is up for sale. Whether it is out of spite that is has been done now or out of happenstance. It has set me free.
No more generational trauma can be done there. They can’t make me keep secrets anymore. I’m allowed to tell my truth. I’m allowed to tell the truth about all of it. I have nothing to loose now.
I’m coming into the knowing of being freer than I have ever been before.
My views are changing, I’m processing and coming into a new knowing. It is a year of wonderful transition for me.
In saying that, I think I need to get back into therapy. It’s been a while.
I can feel the sweat coming to the surface. A little bit of the racing mind and of course all the feelings.
Through therapy and self-reflection, I will be able to identify more of the ways in which my childhood trauma continues to impact my life as an adult. I learn or be reminded of coping mechanisms to help me deal with anxiety and depression. I also learn to set new boundaries and prioritise my mental health. Doing the work on myself is rarely easy, but it is the best thing I can do for myself.
It is no longer a shameful thing, not among the people in the world that are no longer willing to accept and tolerate abusive tendencies to their loved ones. It’s no longer “just the way it is.”
With love,
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