It seems these days/weeks have found me struggling with my purpose in life. I’m not saying that I have not struggled with this in the past, of course I have. As one child left home and then the other, and then the youngest quickly following behind in his brother’s footsteps I find myself, at least 50% of the time, wondering what meaning I have here on earth.
If I let it, it can become a real grief moment. I try to keep my mind from pondering it too long.
But as I’m now in the throes of learning A.C.T. (acceptance and commitment therapy), I’m wondering if this is what Dr Russ Harris was talking about when he said, on page 42 of the 2007 edition, “Notice all the little things you do each day to dodge, change or blot out unpleasant thoughts and feelings. And when you find yourself using control strategies, notice the consequences.”
This has me wondering, when I start to feel this way, I get frantic. I sit at my computer, and I Google my heart out on things like:
Finding your purpose
Places I could be a volunteer in my town? (I don’t have Standard 11; I don’t have any site inductions and I’m not sure that BHP/BMA or any coal mining related businesses in my area are looking for an admin volunteer.)
What jobs are people with ADHD good at? (Bookkeeping! I’ve always wanted to be a bookkeeper and I try hard to love numbers, I mean, I could have been a physicist, couldn’t I?
What sites are like Udemy?
Oh! Maybe I could Volunteer at Orang Sky! But it’s a 2 1/2 hour drive one way, how routine could I make it?
Coursera - Free creative writing classes
Oh I have 1,000 various plants in my gardens, maybe I could start a nursery business! Oh I’d be in competition with my friend. Rejection scenarios plays out in my head.
Courses on Building my Freelance business (I no longer have a business.)
Becky Moss’s net worth? But I digress. (I mean after all the woman makes $125k USD per year from showing people she cleans her house with sometimes sponsored cleaning supplies with kids playing in the background and giving Mum advice. Not bad if you ask me!)
Is it these kinds of things that Dr Russ Harris means? Going into the deep dive, sometimes spending hundreds of dollars after thousands dollars on “This is it! This is what I’m going to do with the rest of my life! THIS IS GOING TO GIVE ME PURPOSE!
I felt this way about Mary Kay, the $700AUD Pattern and Design course I signed up with 2 1/2 years ago and I’ve yet to finish, and the art business I started after I quit my job due to bullying and harassment (RSD).
(In my defence on that last one, my mother got sick and I flew “home" every 3-6 months for four years to care for her for 89 days before I had to come home due to US immigration laws (fair enough.) I sent at least $10,000 AUD 12 years ago on that business and I still have many of the same art supplies I started with. That tells me on the in-between I spend little time creating but I sure did plug what I created when I wasn’t creating. I had (and still do have) a thing for spending HOURS in front of the computer screen. Dopamine-palooza, enough said.
Finding my purpose is exhausting and expensive. No doubt I’m preaching to some of the choir here. If you are also Neurodivergent you might get it.
I don’t know if this means I’m stuck in a trap or if I’m truly still trying to discover who I am and what I want to do with the rest of my life.
Being 52 years old, standing in the shower sobbing and wondering if this is all that life has to offer isn’t the look I want to put out to the Universe.
I’ve thought about running a campaign (?) on Instagram about Manifestation. It feels a bit too WOO WOO for me, (maybe it’s also a trap) but as I believe in a Higher Power, I do believe that so many more things than I think are possible, are possible. It just feels vulnerable to put it out there for everyone to see.
Maybe, I have nothing to lose though, do I? Except another trip around the merry go round of the Happiness Trap?
Did you also look for your life purpose? Have you found your life purpose? Was it serendipitous or was it there all along? What was it?
I’d love to hear from you if you could leave me a comment. Maybe help me propel my boat along or advise me to stop rowing and just drift. I’d love to hear your input.
Deep in Thought,
Ivy, I feel the same - and I haven't before been able to put it into words in the way that you have - but you're right - it's not having a purpose that's dragging me down. And, like you, the ADHD pixie has me dreaming up all these weird and wonderful things that I could do and if so-and-so off the internet can do it then why can't I? and I scroll and search and dream and wonder why I can't seem to believe in the same way that these entrepreneurial folk do with such ease, then before I know it, it's time to go to bed again. Then I wake up and do it all over again. Do you remember when…