Honestly! I'm not sure whether to laugh so wildly that people will think I've become "unhinged"; or to cry in my coffee on a rainy day.
I don't have one of those, so it will have to be laughing semi-wildly in with my cup of coffee.
I can hear my mother echoing in my mind's ear, saying, "Just when I decide to..." It Figures!
Her wild expressions of frustration were enough to make you go to your room and hang up barbie dolls like trophies on your bedroom wall. Why? Just stay out of this poor frustrated woman's way as she determined to accomplish a goal she had in mind.
This is where I get my drive sometimes, and I recognise it as 'not a bad thing' now. But balance.
I've been connected to technology since birth, really. But the speed of technology since I was about the age of 13. For some of you a lifetime ago; for others 38 years.
It was Christmas 1984, and we BEGGED our mother a computer.
Enter the Commodore 64.
It came with a keyboard and a particular tape recording machine. Neither my brother nor I knew anything more about it than a few simple programming lines we'd learned at Hills Department Store from the "city" kids.
Sadly for my mother, who was then a Computer Science student taking night classes and working on General Motors Mahogany Row. The computer was quickly put under the bed and out of our minds for "someday. Little did we know the speed of computers then.
In 1989, I got my first taste of actual computers, and since then, I've worked to make them part of my everyday furniture. Even then, I saw a future in computers and the possibilities of what they could do. Computers are why I ended up in Australia, but that's another story for another day.
Making the decision to start this blog and to start vlogging is something I'm very excited about. Still, I couldn't help but feel deflated. A feeling of "It Figures!" came over me when my beloved 7-year-old Mac desktop refused to start for me a few days after making the committed decision.
At random, she, I call her Esmerelda, decided to "give up the ghost". Nothing I tried would get her to start up entirely, just a tease and the hint of promise that she would start up and we could begin our important work.
To make things a little more challenging, the Wet Season had begun. For 10 days, it rained a hot-steamy deluge. The roads were cut, and there was no getting in or out of my small remote town. There was no food coming in or out, and there wasn't any going to the computer repair shop on the other side of many overflowing creek beds and rivers. Beloved or not, a computer is not worth all that drama.
And so, I sat with my quiet hands and tried to quiet my mind and think beyond the fast pace I'd created with the engagement of computers.
Much to my chagrin, many emotions came to the surface.
Grief - my old friend and I were parting ways. It's been a year or so of loss and suffering, and this was just one more thing.
Angst - could she be fixed? If she couldn't, would I like the new one I had purchased to replace her with? Would it be as good as Esmerelda was?
I could feel my heels digging in.
Shame and Embarrassment - why had computers been so crucial in my life? That's rich, do you think, Self? Needing and leaning into computers so much?
Purpose and Fear- What was my purpose if I didn't have a computer to connect with, share, and learn from others? How would I connect with people? Family? Friends? Fear came over me in a profound, deep way. A little FOMO but more so the loss of connection.
Peace and Joy - Having time away from my computer has allowed me to engage in other things since she has been down. I've painted, I've written letters, I've read, and I've allowed myself to watch other creatives for the first time in years and allowed my heart to feel happy.
(I'll admit, though, it hasn't gone without several attempts at self-repair. This is one of those times that I can write from Esmerelda as she allows me to tell you this story before...who knows what happens.)
The sun has come out now, the rains have subsided, and the roads are opened up again. While I assure myself that change is good and positive things can come out of change, I still feel the breakdown blues from time to time. I encourage myself to keep thinking, writing, dreaming and pursuing because it figures, and I figure I'll get there anyway.
So pen to paper, here I am. :)
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